Allison M.

Thoughts on life, fashion, fabulousness, and (oh yeah) dressing up from a full-time male who's a part-time female


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A poem: “I See You”

Today (March 31) is the International Transgender Day of Visibility, which is a day meant to celebrate those who identify as transgender and to help raise awareness of discrimination faced by trans people everywhere.  (It should not be conflated with the Transgender Day of Remembrance, which occurs in November.)

I won’t get too much into the ins and outs of TDoV in this post, though I do recommend you learn more about the day (here is a good starting point).  What I do want to do is dedicate a few lines of prose (and passing references towards David Bowie and J. Geils Band) to this day and to trans people of all stripes, especially those who, by circumstance or choice, may not live out and proud.  While this prose may not be perfect, know that the words are meant to communicate my appreciation for you, whatever you may identify as.

“I See You”

I see you over there
Sitting all alone and scared
You’re not sure if you’re a boy or a girl
And it’s got your mother in a whirl

The world wants to put you down
And make you frown
They’re misguided for insisting you’re one thing
When you know you’re not what they’re saying

They want you to wear one set of clothes
A set in which you’ll never grow
For that, they think you’re an abomination
But, really, you’re an amazing creation

I know, they want to put you down
To keep you from wiping off your frown
You know you’re one thing
When everyone says you’re another
But to me, you’re more than a sister or a brother

No, really, you’re beautiful
Just the way you are
So don’t be afraid
Shine your own kind of light
Fight their darkness with your personality bright

Oh, I’m sorry
You don’t want to come out?
You do want to be the person you are
But you don’t want to scream or shout?

It’s okay, I understand
I have my own four-walled Neverland
Where I can feel free
And be who I know I be
Which is whatever gender I can be

But you want to be quiet about it
And, really, that’s okay
For it’s good, even better
To be more than whatever gender

But I do wish you can be free
You deserve to be who you know you be
Free from prying eyes
Free from disdaining eyes

Wait…  Please, wait…
Yes, I see you
And I do accept you
For you being you

No, it doesn’t matter to me
What gender you may be
Male or female
Maybe both, maybe neither

Know, though, that I admire you
And I will stand by you and with you
And help protect you
And keep the wolves at bay
No matter what the world may say
I’ll have your back until my last day

So go and be the real you
Do what you feel you can do
Whether you’re trans or non-binary
Or third gender or even spirit two

Fully displayed or in the closet
Know that you’re living honest

But if you’re not out now, don’t worry
For if the time comes when
You show the world who you are
There will be those who will call you friend

There will be those just like you
Or supportive and accepting of you
Who will have your back if you fall
And help you stand up and stand tall

I will be there with you
For today, I see you
And I love and respect you
Because no matter who you are
And no matter what others will say of you
You are living your life… amazingly
Just by being… you


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A poem: “The Great Unknown”

Well, tomorrow (January 20), you know who will ascend to you know what.  Oh, don’t deny you don’t know who I’m referring to; we all know what’s been going down the past 2+ months and what will go down tomorrow.  It has been and will be an earth-shattering adjustment we’ll all have to deal with.

If there’s one word that’s been running through my mind the past couple of months, it’s “uncertainty.”  We know there will be damage done over the next 4 years; we just don’t know what kind of damage, nor do we know how much or how severe it will be.

I think it’s human nature for uncertainty to plague a person’s mind.  I think it’s also natural to give uncertainty a physical, or at least visual, representation.

“The Great Unknown”

I enjoyed these years of warmth
I loved being bathed in all this happiness
I wish I could enjoy it more
But I can’t

It’s not that I don’t want to stay out here
And enjoy more of this warmth
It’s just that I have to go inside
Where it’s very cold
And foreboding
And threatening
And… uh…

Honestly, I can’t see what’s in there
But I’ve heard of what awaits me:
Disdain
Misogyny
Prejudice
Absolute hate
Hate towards me
Hate towards others like me
All because we’re not like them
The “them” that await inside

No, I can’t see what’s inside
But I know for sure what’s inside
And it’s what I see in front of me:
Darkness
Darkness upon Darkness
Absolute, unadulterated darkness
Darkness we can’t see with our eyes

I am afraid
I am truly afraid
Afraid of how this darkness will hurt me
And how it will hurt others like me
For this darkness is just waiting to attack us
And destroy us
Until it’s victorious
And sees nothing that “threatens” them

I know, I know
I must go into this darkness
But I can’t go
At least not without you
You are just like me
Or at least supportive of me
As I am supportive of you
So take my hand
Please, take my hand
We can’t survive alone
In this dark, dark Great Unknown
But I know we’ll be stronger
And make it through much better
If we go in there together


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A poem: “Darkness”

Presented without any extra comment, a poem that sums up how I’ve been feeling this week.

“Darkness”

Oh, what a lovely day!
What a thrill to be outside today!
Walking down the street
Without a cloud in the sky
Friendly people passing by
Seemingly not a care in the world
As let the freedom to be me unfurl

But… wait…

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A poem: “Costumes”

As I’ve made mention in the past, I’ve never gotten into the Halloween spirit.  As an adult, I’ve rarely dressed up for the sole purpose of dressing up on Halloween (though I’ve broken that rule a time or two, as evidenced here).  And today, you’ll probably see me averting my gaze from whomever may be wearing a Halloween costume, not necessarily because their costume may be grotesque but more like, “Yeah, let me just imagine you as the professional employee you usually are.”

As a crossdresser, of course, any day of the year can be Halloween for me.  I imagine many of my fellow CDs feel the very same way.  And to them, this poem is for you:

“Costumes”

Wow, there are so many characters today
A monster here
An werewolf there
An Austin Powers way over there

Oh, so you’re a witch today, huh?
Oh, me?  Nope, no costume for me
You may be a witch today
But I can be a bitch any day

What do I mean, you ask?
What, you didn’t see me in costume lately?

You didn’t see me in that skirt while shopping downtown?
Paired with those high heels
And that leather jacket
And curly red hair?

You didn’t see me at the mall either?
I was wearing a flowered dress
And adorned with bangles and necklace
And long blonde hair down to there?

What?  You mean you didn’t see me then?
Wait… you were there then?
And you didn’t notice it was me?
(Damn, I’m good!)

Well, in a way, I’m glad you didn’t
I may not have looked like a monster or ogre
But blending in with the crowd
Is a great feeling to have, over and over

Yeah, you did see me
Yeah, it was me
But you saw another side of me
Yes, there’s the male side in front of you today
But also a female side I love to occasionally display
Maybe not today
But any day

Yes, I have two sides to me
Put them together and I become a better me
A warmer me
A more friendly me
A more compassionate me
And while I don’t make it a big deal about me
I’m glad that you now know of the other me

So, you may be a witch today
But I can be a bitch any day
(Well, pseudo-bitch)
But in a way, you could say
That I am in costume today
(Well, sort of)
Halloween may be, for you, one dress-up day
But for me, it can be the other 364 days


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A poem: “Summer Must Go Away”

Geez, where did the summertime go?  I look at my calendar today and it says it’s the first day of autumn.  Rats!  The weather must hate the fact that summer is going away, too, as we’ve had a very wet week here in Madison.  So, taking inspiration from the occurrence of the autumnal equinox as well as The Finicky Cynic’s own poem about autumn, I’ve written up this quick poem about the change of season from a season we’re going to miss so very much when winter’s chill has its way.

“Summer Must Go Away”

It has to leave today
Summer knows it has to leave today
But it doesn’t want to leave today
It wants to stick around
And stay just a little bit longer
And give us warm and sunny days

But there’s something else today
There’s rain today
Lots of rain today, and yesterday
Because Summer doesn’t want to go away?
But maybe, just maybe
Rain is Mother Nature wanting to say
“Please, Summer, don’t go away”

But Summer will have to go away today
And Mother Nature’s tears today
Are creating a river, flowing away
Past trees that will turn gold and red
Before Winter’s shades gray
And its cold and frosty days

Summer must leave today
But we will never forget its long days
Its lovely days
Of greens and blues and sunny ways
That led us to adventures
In places near and far away
Smiling faces to see
And starlit nights after great days
Of fun and enjoyment
That we had day after day

Summer must leave today
For Autumn it must make way
But it will come back another day
After Winter and Spring have had their day
Then we’ll reunite with Summer, that old friend
And we’ll enjoy those warm and sunny days again


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A poem: “Birthday Boy”

Today is August 3, which is my birthday.  Yep, I’m turning 47 years old today.  (Please save your old hag jokes for some other blog, thank you very much.)  A year ago on this date, in addition to recalling some of my birthdays past, I made a makeshift bucket list of what I wanted to accomplish or have happened to me in the next 365 days.  Yeah, looking back on that list, I only managed to hold true to “stay employed” (which I thankfully still am) and “stay healthy” (which I am as well, thanks in part to this activity).  The others I didn’t accomplish either by not bothering with it or by unfortunate circumstance.

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A poem: “Layers”

This quick poem is inspired by one of The Daily Post’s writing prompts, which is simply one word: Layers. So, my poem is called…

“Layers”

Go ahead, take a look at me
What do you see?

You see a beautiful head of hair
But it’s just the wig du jour

You see a smile in lipstick
But that can be wiped off (kissed off, if the mood is right)

You see a blouse and a skirt
But they keep me from being naked

You see layers of concealer and blush
But it’s all painted on with a trowel, really

You see eyeshadow, eyeliner, and mascara
But they can’t hide what’s inside me

Oh, you couldn’t tell?
It’s true, I keep things hidden
(No, not just the obvious)
They are hidden layers
Under these layers of clothes and makeup and hair

No, I won’t tell you about them just now
Let me see first if you’d be accepting

Seriously, I must investigate your feelings
If you didn’t see me wearing this hair
If you saw me without my makeup
If you saw me in another gender’s clothes
Would you still accept me?
Would you accept all sides of me?

If you would… oh, if only you would…
I’d love to tell you
About the many layers I wear daily
No, not just two genders’ layers
But the layers of life I always wear

Oh, yes, I wear extra layers
No matter what the temperature

Every day, I add new layers
They’re layers created by life’s ups and downs
Greatest moments and saddest times
Layers first donned in places near and far
Because of decisions good and bad
And right turns and wrong ways

You can’t see these layers with the naked eye
But if you could accept the layers you see now
And accept the other layers you will see
Could you accept the other layers I wear?

In your heart, I know you could accept them
For maybe… just maybe…
You’re wearing the same layers as I


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A poem: “Prom”

As I have mentioned on this blog before (such as here and here), I never went to the prom or any other school dances when I was a teenager.  My reasons for not doing so were various, from not having transportation to get to and from the dance, to my not being real “prom date” material, to not having the gumption to ask anyone out.  Oh, yeah, and I have two left feet.  There is a part of me who wishes I had gone to those high school dances, but it would have been a safe bet that I wouldn’t have enjoyed myself, likely being that proverbial wallflower (I would’ve stuck to that wall like glue).

So, what did I do if I never went to the prom, as this writing prompt from F.C. inquired?  Well, since Mom worked nights during most of my high school years and used the family car as her mode of transportation, I stayed home, either watching television in the living room, sitting on the porch if the weather was nice, or, in all likelihood, cooping myself in my bedroom and do homework while the Brewers game played out on the radio.  Yeah, real excitement away from the school dances.

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A poem: “Every Hundred Feet”

As I’ve noted before on here, I’m a sucker for a profound quote or two.  One such quote came up on my desk calendar last week, and it came from the late Chilean novelist Roberto Bolaño, and this site indicates it came from his posthumously-released novel, 2666.  The quote was simply this:

“Every hundred feet, the world changes.”

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A poem: “My Legacy”

Time for me to add to a blog category I haven’t added to in a long while, that category being “Allison’s Not-Quite-Daily Daily Writing Challenge.”  For the uninitiated, I based this category on the writing prompts put out by WordPress’ The Daily Post blog.  Since the end of February, the daily writing prompts The Daily Post have been putting out have been nothing but one word.  No fun, interesting, or thought-provoking questions or any what-would-you-do types of crazy situations.  Nope, just one single solitary word along with a link for instructions on how to contribute.

Though I’m sure relying on just one word can inspire a lot of other bloggers out there to write a reply (and judging from the volume of responses to some of them, a one-word topic can be an inspiring thing), I have to say that I miss the thought-provoking and crazy questions because, well, they make me really think about my life and my place in it.  In short, I think a one-word prompt is not as fun to write for.  No offense, maintainers of The Daily Post.

So, while I beg and plead for said Daily Post maintainers to bring back the thought-provoking questions (okay, all that begging and pleading is just in my mind), I can always go back on their older prompts and think of how to respond.  But then, there is something to be said about brevity, which is why this post is a response to a one-word prompt The Daily Post put out last month:  “Legacy.”

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