Allison M.

A crossdresser's thoughts on life, fashion, fabulousness, and (oh yeah) dressing up

When even flowers couldn’t cheer me up

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I want to show you a little something I received at my work assignment this morning:4-24-2019 804-43amI found this wonderful set of… violas, I think. (If you’re reading this and are a better horticulturalist than I am, feel free to correct me in the comments section.)  The chief executive officer of the organization I’m assigned to has demonstrated a cheerful disposition whenever I’ve interacted with her.  Even though I only get to see her on occasion, she is appreciative of those who work on the organization’s behalf.  Even a little grunt like myself and a colleague I’ll refer to as J.T. for anonymity’s sake.

Both J.T. and I received flowers today because it was Administrative Professionals Day, or Admin Day if you need to be brief.  Yeah, I just revealed a little bit of what Male Mode Me does for a living in that last sentence.  I do indeed toil away at a desk for 8 hours every day.  No, the CEO didn’t come into my office and offer her gratitude with the plant.  Matter of fact, plants were waiting on our desks for both J.T. and I when we arrived.  (As noted above, she’s not in the office every single day).  But she included a small card with the plants, thanking both of us for the hard work we’ve put in.

Well, at least the CEO is appreciative.  Both J.T. and I work directly under two managers:  One of them is the person in charge of the services our organization provides.  I won’t reveal what that service is, though it’s something that needs compassion and empathy, not to mention appreciation for hard work, which she showers upon myself and others within our organization.  The other manager is the chief financial officer… who is [*deep, painful sigh*] very stern and quite demanding, rarely showing any compassion or empathy in my interactions with her.  With me telling you that, it wouldn’t surprise you that I’m more comfortable approaching the former and shy away from dealing with the latter if it’s necessary.

Even before I joined this organization last August, the CFO has had concerns about reaping revenues on a timely basis.  And the many duties I have to do, combined with a lot of staff upheaval, has led to golden revenue opportunities getting missed.  With that, the CFO, with the CEO’s blessing and my other manager’s understanding and advice, set forth on a reorganization plan, revealed to us on Tuesday, within the small department J.T. and I have been a part of.  Well, calling it a “reorganization” seems like too light of a term it feels more like a seismic shift.

Because of privacy and the fact that I don’t want to bore you with the technical stuff, I won’t get too much into detail.  But I will say this:  Two new people will be coming in and help out with all the duties, which will certainly be beneficial.  One of those new people, however, will be taking over what had been a key aspect of my job description, something I truly enjoyed doing even if it wasn’t obvious.  I will be dealing with the other duties I’ve had to care for, tasks that I don’t really enjoy and feel so very overwhelmed doing.

All these changes mean that J.T., who just as I has been in an temporary role with an indefinite endpoint, will see his role phased out.  Once the new folks are trained on what they need to know, and I’m trained on what I still need to know, J.T. will move on to that next unknown phase in his career.  And he’s taking it in stride.  Matter of fact, after Tuesday’s meeting where we learned of this seismic shift, he had a little bit of a smile on his face, as if he’ll be content that something better awaits him down the road, or at least the family he can still come home to.

That was a different feeling from what I had after that meeting.  As noted, I’ll be doing work that I don’t entirely enjoy, at times struggle with in terms of accurate work.  Plus, I’ll be doing some of the stuff J.T. has been doing.  Which made me think… why his he going and not me?  I’ve always got the impression that the CFO appreciates J.T.’s work more than mine.  That’s not jealousy speaking there, just a sense that the CFO has more expectations on me, and that she is disappointed when I make even a minor error.

So, suffice it to say, it’s not been a happy work week for me.  And while those violas, or whatever they are, brightened my office a little bit, they only seemed to remind me that things aren’t fun at this work assignment.  Which is why when J.T. left work this afternoon (we don’t share the same exact hours), I gave him my plant.  Yes, he accepted, being he gracious and dignified soul he is.  “You deserve it to brighten your family’s home and spirits more,” I told him.  “And besides, it’ll probably die out quicker at my house.”

For sure, I’m going to give what awaits me in this reorganized role the best I can do.  However… it’s so very tempting right now to look for my own “something better.”  When I visited my family over Easter weekend, I I talked to my mom about my work situation.  Mom relayed her own story of a job she once had that made her feel strained and unappreciated, just as I feel right now.  She left that job, finding another work situation that made her feel happy about work.  Mom recommended I do the same.

And that’s what I might just do, emphasis on might.  There are one or two possibilities that are actually piquing my interest at the moment.  But I’m feeling a push-and-pull between “wanting a job that gives me bliss” and “being too loyal in an assignment where I’m not entirely appreciated.”

Hopefully, when all is said and done, I will be happy going to work every day.  For all I know, that happiness may surface where I’m at right now… although it’s way too early to say that.  Hope you keep wishing me luck.  And here’s hoping your own work situation is everything you’ve ever hoped for.

Author: Allison M.

A part of the trans community ("cross-dresser" is the term that applies to me) who finds themselves much more expressive and somewhat more confident when presenting in a feminine persona. An admirer and supporter of those who are fashionable, fabulous, and friendly (LGBT or otherwise). Someone who tries to be witty and unique, but is not even remotely perverted or a pariah (I am a real human being, just like you). Using various writing styles on this blog to communicate thoughts and feelings concerning my life experiences, fashion sense, and the world at large (and maybe impressing my high school creative writing teacher who deservedly gave me middling grades).

One thought on “When even flowers couldn’t cheer me up

  1. Pingback: Very perceptive | Allison M.

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