In my last post of 2018, I mentioned the sense one gets when looking at the last week of the last month on a calendar and asks, “Where has this year gone?” I want to bring up another sense one feels on New Year’s Day morning, or at least I do:
When one thinks New Year’s Eve night, they tend to think of one of two things: Sleep in the new year (as I have long done), or party (er, uh, PARTY!) the night away into the wee hours of the new year… only to suffer a major hangover on New Year’s morning and asking to turn off that bright light shining into their bedroom from the sky and/or that loud music that’s still pounding in their head.
Yeah, New Year’s morning can be a time for quiet reflection after a long and loud year ends in a long and loud way. A great representation of this that I always notice is ESPN’s college football pregame show. During the regular season, the network routinely takes the show on the road at sites of big games. If you’ve ever watched the show for even a few minutes, you’ll find that the on-site broadcast draws very big crowds (revelers, cheerleaders, big signs, the whole nine yards). But the show takes a 180 on New Year’s morning: Yes, they’re live on the road, but they’re on the field of the Rose Bowl stadium in Pasadena, where the seats are still empty before the big game, quiet serenity reigns, and there’s not a face-painted jersey-wearing reveler in sight.
While a great many take this quiet day to reflect on the old year just concluded and the new year that lies ahead, resolutions are made as if one is sure they’ll hold firmly to what they promise themselves and the world they’ll do in the next 365 days. And let’s face it, a great many of those resolutions go broken or unfulfilled, so much so that it makes one ask the question, why even bother making resolutions? I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment, as I’ve never been one to resolve to anything on New Year’s Day. But that’s not to say tsk-tsk at the resolving parties; I’m sure resolution making is meant to be a bit of self-reflection, not a set of “golden rules” to be laid down and maintained.
But with that in mind on this reflective morning, I want to type up a few resolutions I know I may not entirely adhere to but would like to at least think about during 2019. I figure that if I at least consider these resolutions, they may help me continue to be a better person, even if I’m not perfect:
I resolve to keep dressing up. Well, that’s gonna be an easy one. I’m not planning to make the feminine attire in my closet disappear anytime soon. Although…
I resolve to watch what I purchase. Cute tops, sexy skirts, and great hairstyles don’t grow on trees. To build your closet, you need M-O-N-E-Y. So lest my closet doors become more bulging than they already are, I’m going to have to keep my wallet in my purse and do a lot more window shopping. Of course, me being the clothes hound that I am, this is going to be a hard resolution to consider, let alone keep.
I resolve to present Allison more to the real world. And we’re not talking about just shopping with friends, having dinner after a support group meeting, or marching in a pride parade. I did do all of those in the last half-year since I went on my job search. But said search put performing on the back burner. Luckily, I did do a freeform, off-the-cuff, spoken word presentation last weekend at Mother Fools, where I had not performed since just after leaving my previous place of employment. With my employment situation settled down a little bit, I hope to get dolled up and present poetry or whatever. No, I’m not a perfect presenter, but doing more of this will certainly help my confidence. Speaking of confidence…
I resolve to be more confident in my male-mode work life. Well, this may be hard to do. One of the people directly supervising me at my work assignment can come across as abrupt and demanding; the other person I directly report to is a more easy person to approach. But their professional temperaments are the least of my worries at the moment: Not one but two people who have been with our organization much longer than I have (one a temp just as I, the other a direct hire) will be leaving for other personal or professional adventures at the end of this week. Yikes! And while another temp is already learning the ropes of one of them, I don’t know if another person will be brought in to replace the other, even if on a short-term basis. Double yikes!
Needless to say, both of their pending departures are leaving me pretty nervous, especially since both have lent good advice when I’ve needed it. Plus, their leaving will leave me, at just 5 months, the pleeb with the most seniority outside of management. And I’m only technically a temp-to-hire person.
But the best thing I can do in this situation is take things in stride. Hopefully, a third person will be added so that we can be at full staff. And hopefully I can give that person good advice when need be. And if I need advice that nobody will be able or willing to put forth, the people who will be leaving us will be just a text message away, just as the person I was designated to replace was a few phone clicks away after he departed our organization two months ago… though I found myself not needing his advice as much over time. It’s called confidence in myself, and I hope that over time, I can overcome these pending losses and make a lasting impression. But if it doesn’t work out and management desires to look for someone else, I’ll remain hopeful that something else will be out there that will be a good fit for me.
I resolve to get more fit. Show of hands, how many of you have put this down as a resolution? For me, this may be a hard goal to reach, especially since the only gym I had utilized previously was the free-to-employees gym at my previous place of employment. (No, I can’t use it any longer.) During my job search, signing up for a gym membership was a low priority, and the only major workouts I had were long walks through my neighborhood during which I could clear my head and ease my mind. And while there are some decent (or at least well advertised) fitness centers around Madison, I’m still hesitant to pony up the cash for a membership. I know exercise does a body good (or at least that’s what my smart watch is reminding me), but I’ll just settle for a small gym where I can exercise in peace and not have some amped-up personal trainer pushing me over my limits.
I resolve to be a good representative of the LGBT community. Well, there are those in our community who are more articulate and have more talent than I do. Me? I’m just a crossdresser with a blog. But I am a proud part of the LGBT community, and whatever talents I have, whichever figures I can positively trumpet, and whatever advice I can give, I will be more than willing to give it to a receptive world… as well as, Heaven willing, the ears of those who are closed-minded but may be ready to soften their disdainful views toward our community.
I resolve to clean the house. No, really, my apartment needs a thorough cleaning. Like, right now. I admit I am lazy when it comes to keeping my place in a presentable fashion. But at least it’s not a complete mess.
And on that last note, you must excuse me as I will start vacuuming this apartment as soon as I hit the “publish” button. But I will close with this thought: Even if you make a zillion resolutions, it’s the sincerity that counts. I’m sure I won’t reach any goals this year that I may make today, but wanting to be a better person is all that matters. Here’s hoping you’ll discover this as you progress into 2019. Have a great year, everyone.