Since my male mode side was too busy tooling around the internet this morning on somewhat important stuff, I didn’t get around to typing up a quick post about an interesting dream I had last night. (Wow, for some reason, it seems that I have the most interesting dreams.) Since this dream involves my sister, I want to start off with a description of her. What I know about her is that she is 13 months younger than I am, a college graduate, married (for 14 years) with two daughters, and has a good career in the healthcare and wellness industry. What I don’t know about her (and shudder at times to ever find out) is her moral beliefs. Since getting married and starting a family, I have imagined that she has become somewhat conservative, meaning that if she knew her older brother (me) was a crossdresser (and would regularly try on some of her clothes when we were kids and when we lived together in our early adulthood)… well, let’s just say the doo doo would hit the fan.
Which brings me to how my dream last night went, and the description is pretty basic: Yours truly was e-mailing a few pictures of myself en femme to an online acquaintance. (Why? I don’t know. It’s a dream.) “Hi there,” I wrote my acquaintance, “here’s me in a few new outfits. Please send me your constructive criticism about how I look. Talk to you later. Love, Allison.”
And here’s where my sister comes in, and where my brain went a little bit absent minded (in my dream anyway): I hit “send” on my e-mail, anticipating my online acquaintance would be seeing oh-so-fashionable me in their inbox. What I didn’t anticipate was that my sister was included in on the e-mail. Yeah, I didn’t pay complete attention as to was in the “To” and “CC” fields. Uh oh.
Once I realized what had happened, I went to my reflex feeling when realizing my secret life as Allison was about to be revealed: Panic. “My sister is about to find out about Allison, and I am so not prepared for it,” I thought. The next thing I wondered aloud was, “How in the heck did my e-mail contact lists get jumbled up? My male side and Allison’s side are supposed to have separate contact lists.” (And they are separate. This is a dream, may I remind you.) So, I immediately tried recalling the e-mail in an effort to cancel what I just sent, meaning the intended party (and my sister) would be none the wiser if it worked. Yeah, it didn’t work, and I hit “recall message” repeatedly.
With the recall option a failed option, the only other option left for me is to brace myself for the inevitable results once Sis discovers, hey, her brother is a part-time girl. That’s when I noticed her reply in my inbox… and my heart got stuck in my throat. “What is she going to think,” I thought. “Maybe she’ll just think it’s from someone she doesn’t know and has replied as such.” So, I opened the e-mail… and saw my sister’s reply… and here’s what she said:
“Wow! That’s you in those photos, brother? You look pretty amazing. Anyway, Mom and I were wondering what time you were planning on coming up for dinner this weekend.”
Yeah, that was her reply. Yeah, she saw the photos… but apparently thought nothing of it. I still felt stunned by that dream’s outcome after I woke up. Since I’m (just) smart enough to never mix Allison’s e-mails with my male mode e-mails in real life, Sis would never receive such an e-mail mix-up from me. And she will never receive it either, nor will Mom or my other sister. My crossdressing life, to me, still feels like something that would adversely affect the bond I have with my generally conservative (or so I tend to think) family.
But, who knows, maybe that dream is my subconscious’ way of telling me, “You know, Allison, your sister may not be as closed minded as you fear she may be.” I don’t know if I’ll ever take that dare and feel her out to determine what she thinks of, say, marriage equality. But perhaps there are more facets to my sister than the black-and-white ones I’ve known her to have all these years.